I’ve got to start somewhere

I keep struggling with where to start on all of the things I want to share.  I feel like being fully transparent is something God has asked me to do.  I have decided to start today by just sharing a written version of my short video testimony that was played at Momentum Church 2 weeks ago.  I will continue to share my struggles and go deeper into my story, but it is way to much for one post or even 10!  I love music and this song just keeps speaking to me.  Through all of this, I just pray that all the glory is given to God through me sharing my journey.

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6 months ago……

The alarm goes off, I get out of bed, and I try to decide to be happy, but I am not.  I know that I can’t be happy because nothing will go right.  I know that what I planned to do will not happen.  Something will get in the way.  I wanted to have coffee with my husband but he is running late.  I wanted to start school on time but the kids are not cooperating.  I thought we had plenty of time to leave the house and get where we were going without being late.  I just knew I had 2 sticks of butter for this recipe but I only have 1.

Disappointment……. Not only did I anticipate it, I lost it almost every time things were not going well.  Maybe you can relate?  This caused my mood to be ill almost all the time.  I allowed these negative thoughts to take a hold of my day, I allowed this mind set to suck the joy out of my day.  I would loose it over the smallest things.  I would find myself with uncontrollable emotions over things like my kids not doing things as quickly as I would like, not being able to find a shoe, or my child simply having an accident that I needed to clean up.  I found myself constantly feeling guilty for my behavior towards my husband and my children.

How about relationships?   I continuously over evalutated every conversation I had.  I came up with all kinds of reasons why people disliked me.  I would decide that I was unworthy and unwanted.  Then after a period of feeling very hurt, would come anger.  I was angry because I wanted to be loved and felt no one cared about me, and it just wasn’t fair.  So my relationships suffered.  I did this with everyone.  I couldn’t imagine for a second that someone really cared for me or about me.
I knew I had “issues”.  I had known this for years.  I always thought because my issues weren’t BIG that I could handle them.  That prayer, reading my bible, doing devotionals, and going to church were going to be enough to overcome them.  But I was wrong.  I finally gave in, and decided to go to Celebrate Recovery.  It has been the most eye opening choice I have made.  I have begun the healing process.  A process that has been nothing short of amazing, emotional, difficult, and rewarding.  I see a change in me that I didn’t even know was possible!

I have been able to find peace and hope in trusting Jesus with all of my stuff.  Admitting all my faults, and realizing that although hurts from past played a part in a lot of my unhealthy emotional habits, that ultimately it was up to me to be a healthy person.  It is my choice to surrender and overcome.

I have not overcome every issue I have and I know that it will always be a process, but I have found that when I turn my will over daily, I am a new person! I am starting to see a huge change in my relationships.  I am able to be a more loving, understanding, wife mother, and friend. I also see progress with the way I view myself, which is helping me in so many areas of my life.  I see a huge difference in the way I am able to handle stressful situations.  Before now, I was always allowing every stress in my life to consume me and cause me to become angry, upset, and resentful.  Now I am able to stop and see good, even when things are not perfect!

Today, I can honestly say that I do not have any less stress.  In fact, the past few months our family has faced a lot of unexpected stresses.  I feel as though working through these healing steps have prepared me to respond to these stressful situations in a healthy way, rather then allowing my irrational, unhealthy thoughts and reactions to take over.  These steps have taught me a healthy way to process, heal, and honestly just live life!

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5 thoughts on “I’ve got to start somewhere

  1. I pray for your continued strength. I am excited to read about your journey. I have been dealing with similar issues myself. I have heard wonderful things about Celebrate Recovery.

  2. So proud of you Jess and so in love with your obedience to share!! Blessed to be getting to share some of these journeys with you!! “We ARE…” 🙂 love you!!

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